Britain Falls Into A Hedge

EVERYONE in Britain has had to go to hospital in the last 12 months after falling into a hedge on the way home.

New research shows the entire country had just left the pub when they suddenly staggered to the left, crashed through a hedge and sustained a tiny graze just above their right eyebrow.

Bill McKay, the A&E doctor who treated everyone, said many of the males had a suspicious damp stain on the front of their trousers while most women had no underwear.

He said: "We see a lot of people in here after serious accidents with their arms hanging off and no legs. We call them 'the injured'.

"We also see a lot of people just after eleven at night who have a slight graze on their knee and no idea who they are. We call them pissed up bastards who should just go home and stop wasting our time.

"They really are a lovely bunch to deal with. I wouldn’t be surprised if most of my staff did piss-off back where they came from after that."

Wayne Hayes, a problem drinker, said: "I’m fine, absolute fine. I only have had a couple glasses white wine, with friend, and packet prawn crips. No idea what happen after that. Food poisoning?

"Must have tripped, on pavement stone, very uneven. I do feel bit dizzy. Perhaps it ear infection, doctor? Felt fine this morning, went swimming at lunch, then fell over.

"Did I say that? I’m so sorry. I really don’t remember. Nurses lovely. Just want lie here, go sleep. Just want sleep. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU BLACK BASTARD."

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Third World To Teach White People How To Walk

AS the price of oil climbs towards $150 a barrel, the Third World has offered to teach Europe and America how to walk.

With millions of Western commuters descending into urine-soaked panic, African and Asian walking teachers are now preparing for a surge in demand for their services.

Thomas Otangwe, a walking consultant from Zaire, said: "I first learned to walk when I got a job as a farm labourer.

"The farm was 20 miles from my home, but for the first week I would stand in the street wondering where my beautiful car was. Eventually I realised I could not afford a car and so I began to walk.

"Walking is relatively simple. You start by putting one foot in front of the other and then slowly increase the rate until you have reached a steady pace.

"You should then continue in this way until you arrive at your chosen destination. This is the key to successful walking.

"You may want to stop along the way for a cup of tea or a snack, but remember: you will have to start walking again."

Mr Otangwe added: "We have produced a handy booklet with diagrams and an introduction to advanced walking, but be quick because the price is going up all the time."