EVERYONE in Britain has had to go to hospital in the last 12 months after falling into a hedge on the way home.
New research shows the entire country had just left the pub when they suddenly staggered to the left, crashed through a hedge and sustained a tiny graze just above their right eyebrow.
Bill McKay, the A&E doctor who treated everyone, said many of the males had a suspicious damp stain on the front of their trousers while most women had no underwear.
He said: "We see a lot of people in here after serious accidents with their arms hanging off and no legs. We call them 'the injured'.
"We also see a lot of people just after eleven at night who have a slight graze on their knee and no idea who they are. We call them pissed up bastards who should just go home and stop wasting our time.
"They really are a lovely bunch to deal with. I wouldn’t be surprised if most of my staff did piss-off back where they came from after that."
Wayne Hayes, a problem drinker, said: "I’m fine, absolute fine. I only have had a couple glasses white wine, with friend, and packet prawn crips. No idea what happen after that. Food poisoning?
"Must have tripped, on pavement stone, very uneven. I do feel bit dizzy. Perhaps it ear infection, doctor? Felt fine this morning, went swimming at lunch, then fell over.
"Did I say that? I’m so sorry. I really don’t remember. Nurses lovely. Just want lie here, go sleep. Just want sleep. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU BLACK BASTARD."