Darling Has Secret Plan To Keep Buggering About

CHANCELLOR Alistair has a secret plan to keep buggering about with the British economy until he finds something that works, it was revealed last night.

A confidential Treasury memo, published on a government website, proposes a series of tax rises and tax cuts introduced for two weeks at a time over the next five years.

The memo suggests a 75% 'supertax' for pantomime stars between December 5th and January 31st, suspending VAT on forks, cutting corporation tax for companies run by men named Ian and increasing child benefit for families who roam the land singing songs and performing magic tricks.

It adds: "Failing that we can just whack up VAT, murder the aristocracy and steal their houses."

The memo also reveals Mr Darling's secret plan to breed unicorns and sell them to Chinese millionaires.

The chancellor would invest public money in up to a dozen unicorn farms across the country churning out thousands of magical horses which would then be vacuum packed and shipped to the Far East.

Mr Darling believes that at £250,000 a unicorn the government could have paid back its £120bn of borrowing by the time Star Trek becomes reality.

The Conservatives last night dismissed the plan as the latest 'government con', insisting there was probably no such thing as unicorns and that it would simply be a load of donkeys with a bread stick glued to their foreheads.

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Lapdancers To Wear William Hague Masks

BRITAIN'S lapdancers are to wear William Hague masks in a bid to restrict their sexual potency.

Club owners, keen to prevent new regulations, believe the intoxicating effect of gyrating buttocks can be cancelled out by the bouncing face of the shadow foreign secretary.

They unveiled research by the Institute for Studies, which showed Mr Hague can reduce inadvertent touching and visible engorgement by up to 85%.

Peter Stringfellow, Britain's leading buttock-wrangler, told a committee of MPs: "How's about this? The girls do their thing, the blokes have all manner of whatnots thrust at them, but nowt will happen 'cause it's William Hague and his pudgy little chops."

MPs believe men only go to lapdancing clubs because they like it when naked women dance within six inches of their nose, meanwhile the government wants to impose a £30,000 licence on the clubs, mainly because it can.

In recent years hundreds of lapdancing clubs have been forced to set up in city centres in close proximity to pubs filled with drunk men with too much money.

Labour MPs say that unless strict new laws are introduced clubs could soon be opened in the middle of fields and on top of mountains, as well as school gymnasiums and the vestries of some of the Britain's finest cathedrals.

But Tory committee member Tom Logan backed the Stringfellow plan, adding: "This seems a sensible compromise and I say this as a man who not only enjoys lapdances but finds William Hague devastatingly attractive."