Don’t stay together on our account, Britain tells Tories

THE UK has told the Conservative party that if it is trying to hold things together for their sake then go ahead and split up.

Britons have promised that they will not be traumatised by the split, that in fact it will be better for their psychological health for the constant arguments to end, and they will not unfairly blame either side.

Tom Logan, from Hitchin, said: “Come on. We might be politically immature, but we can see what’s happening right in front of us.

“Stop dragging it out. The centrists will get custody of the country, because they’ve got the business community and the legal system and everything on their side, but we’ll stay with the hard Brexiters every other weekend.

“I know you’ve been trying to make it work, but it’s been over for a long time now. You’ll still have your memories of how happy you were in the Thatcher years.

“It doesn’t seem like it now, but you could both form other political unions. I know one side’s been making eyes at disaffected Labour centrists, and the other’s up all night talking to young Polish nationalists on social media.”

A Conservative spokesman said: “Britain’s only saying this so it gets two Christmas presents.”