Contactless payment leaves bus drivers searching for new ways to be arseholes

BUS drivers have confirmed that the advent of contactless payment means they are frantically brainstorming new ways to be total arseholes. 

For many years drivers have used the leverage of the correct change to tyrannise their hapless passengers, but with that weapon removed from their arsenals drivers have been working feverishly to develop new techniques for punishing their customers.

Bus driver Wayne Hayes said: “I only got into this job because I hate people, and it was the best position to do that with minimal training.

“Acting the twat when someone tries to pay with a twenty? Mate, I claimed I had no change when they had a fiver and the fare was £4.80.

“It hurts my withered heart to see them tap their fucking cards as if they’re in charge. But it just means we’ve got to work harder. Necessity’s the mother of irritation, after all.”

Bus commuter Nikki Hollis said: “All the windows have been wedged open, he tilted the bus just as I opened my yoghurt, and he had a radio tuned halfway between static and classic rock at unignorable volume.

“They’ve responded to change and upped their game. I’m impressed.”