Contactless payment leaves bus drivers searching for new ways to be arseholes

BUS drivers have confirmed that the advent of contactless payment means they are frantically brainstorming new ways to be total arseholes. 

For many years drivers have used the leverage of the correct change to tyrannise their hapless passengers, but with that weapon removed from their arsenals drivers have been working feverishly to develop new techniques for punishing their customers.

Bus driver Wayne Hayes said: “I only got into this job because I hate people, and it was the best position to do that with minimal training.

“Acting the twat when someone tries to pay with a twenty? Mate, I claimed I had no change when they had a fiver and the fare was £4.80.

“It hurts my withered heart to see them tap their fucking cards as if they’re in charge. But it just means we’ve got to work harder. Necessity’s the mother of irritation, after all.”

Bus commuter Nikki Hollis said: “All the windows have been wedged open, he tilted the bus just as I opened my yoghurt, and he had a radio tuned halfway between static and classic rock at unignorable volume.

“They’ve responded to change and upped their game. I’m impressed.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man believes 'let's not get each other presents' means he doesn’t have to get his girlfriend a present

A MAN whose girlfriend suggested they do not buy each other presents this Christmas to save money has no idea he still has to get her something.

Tom Logan said: “I hope this isn’t like the time she said, ‘I’ll take the bins out again then shall I?’ then later I found out what she actually meant was that I should take the bins out.

“And it probably isn’t like when she says she is ‘fine’ before storming out of the house and slamming the door in a manner that would suggest she is definitely not fine.

“Or like the day she asked me for my ‘honest opinion’ on her new dress and it transpired she meant she only wanted my opinion if it was ‘that dress looks nice.’

“But no, I’m sure she really meant no presents.”

Tom’s girlfriend, Kelly Thompson said: “I have given Tom my heart and that’s the only present he needs.

“I need jewellery and a new laptop.”