'Holding up a fish' is sexiest thing ever, confirm women

WOMAN have confirmed that they just bloody love a photo of a man holding a fish.

While traits including faithfulness, a good sense of humour and confidence all rated highly, holding up a fish topped them all.

Women’s collective yearning for a man who holds up a big fish he caught at his local lake, or a foreign fish he caught on holiday, has been long suspected.

Woman Helen Archer said: “When I see a man gripping a floppy, half-dead sea creature and mugging at the camera my ovaries just go mental.

“It must be a biological thing.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Men have instinctively known for centuries that holding up a fish is the sexiest thing you can possibly do.

“Thankfully, through dating apps and peer-reviewed studies, we now have proof that it really does attract women and doesn’t make you look like a huge bellend at all.”

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Couple on lunchtime date hammered and ready for sex by 4pm

A MAN and woman who arranged a daytime date to get to know each other were shouting drunk and ready to shag by late afternoon. 

Emma Bradford and Tom Logan met at 11.30am with plans to look around a market, walk through a park and perhaps wander into an art gallery, but instead immediately began drinking at an unsustainable evening pace.

Bradford said: “It was going to be a different kind of date, a sunlit daytime date where we explored the city through each others’ eyes and made marvellous, serendipitous discoveries. Which is why a noon glass of prosecco was fine.

“Unfortunately that led to another, and another bottle, and we never got to the market or the park or the art gallery but instead stayed in the bar for four hours getting increasingly smashed and horny.

“I can’t take him home for a quick fuck now because my housemate’s baking bread. But if I go to his I might end up doing the walk of shame before Casualty has started.

“This is why people go on dates in the evening. That way nobody sees what a mistake you’re making, including you.”