Duncan Smith denies affair with jackal

IAIN Duncan Smith has denied trying to impregnate a young jackal.

The welfare secretary was forced onto the defensive amid rumours of an affair involving a senior Tory politician and another unidentified mammal that cannot be named for legal reasons.

Mr Duncan Smith insisted a recent trip to sub-saharan Africa had absolutely nothing to do with a picking out the perfect specimen to take part in a special project.

He added: “I have never had intercourse with a jackal and currently have no plans to do so.

“My recent trips to Africa were about finding out how much money people really need in order to survive. Let’s just say, I was pleasantly surprised.”

The internet has been rife with speculation following yesterday’s intriguing front page story in the Mail on Sunday which, according to experts, may as well have been completely fictional.

Media consultant Julian Cook said: “The ultra-secretive nature of injunctions means that it’s impossible to prove they don’t exist.

“Injunctions have therefore allowed newspapers much freer rein to make things up, as long as they don’t use any names. But personally, I’m tweeting that it is true and involves Nadine Dorries and a Great Dane.”

Bill McKay, from Stevenage, said: “When I heard a senior Tory had been having an affair, I automatically assumed, like everyone else, that Iain Duncan Smith had been fucking a jackal in a bid to conceive the Dark Lord who will terrorise mankind in a Thousand Year Reign of Fire and Blood.

“I find his denials a tad outlandish.”

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Companies that do boring things prefer 2:2 graduates

EMPLOYERS offering dull jobs favour graduates with 2:2 degrees.

As it emerged that even an unremarkable degree can boost income, companies that do uninteresting things said they prefer graduates who have just scraped a pass.

Tom Logan is MD of Shelf-Tech, a company that makes shelves: “People with upper second class degrees never seem to hang around that long, it’s like they don’t want to stay in the shelf industry and see us as a stepping stone.

“But a 2:2 is like the lower end of mediocrity, it suggests someone who hasn’t got any serious aspirations and is happy to coast along.

“Those people are fairly acceptable as employees and they’re not really motivated enough to bugger off.

“Also they’re usually nicer, they’re into television and smoking weed rather than heavy business jargon or showing off about what books they’ve read.”

Student Julian Cook said: “I’m aiming for a 2:2. Well not exactly aiming, it’s just sort of what’s happening.

“2:1s are for boring straights who go to most of their lectures. A 2:2 is more of a ‘party degree’.”