Real Madrid cracks down on Bernabéu-walkers

DOZENS of footballers have been spotted loitering around Real Madrid’s ground touting for business.

Spanish police have started naming and shaming the street-footballers to their clubs, and will now focus on agents with a large stable of ‘working boys’.

Sergeant Jorge Olazabal said: “We turn up in the morning and there’s discarded contracts all over the pavement, which parents then have to explain to their children.

“It’s disgusting – I speak to these players late at night and ask them if they have no shame but they just flutter their eyelids and ask if Florentino Pérez has mentioned them.”

Cleaners are working seven days a week to clear phone boxes of postcards offering ‘Quick winger action’ and ‘Watch Me Bang Them In’, with London and Liverpool phone numbers.

Although soliciting a transfer is against FIFA laws, many players still flout themselves in local radio interviews by saying they are ‘wide open to discussion and ready for some unhurried, deep, informal talks’.

Campaigners have suggested legalizing the trade, allowing footballers to set up business in regulated Transfer Parlours in districts away from schools or residential areas.

It has been suggested this would reduce the practice of trafficking teenagers from South America on the promise of life in a luxurious Barcelona only to find themselves working away in grimy Carlisle FC.

Olazabal said: “Maybe that is the answer, but ask yourself – would you want any son of yours parading around in a pair of tiny shorts for some dirty old billionaire chairman?”

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Just don't make me go back to that shop, says Ikea monkey

THE monkey found in Ikea has issued a heartfelt plea not to be sent back there.

The macaque, currently the subject of a custody battle between its owner and an animal sanctuary, said that its main concern is never going near another Billy bookcase.

Year-old Darwin said: “I remember standing in that massive labyrinth of tat, which has no beginning and no end and stinks of meatballs and failure.

“No creature, whether man, monkey or monitor lizard, deserves to end up there.

“The other shoppers were so utterly demoralised, so spiritually crushed by their surroundings, that they didn’t even notice a monkey wearing a massive coat.

“The worst bit was that I wanted to get a couple of white Expedit shelving units to organise my fruit, but when I got to the warehouse they were out of stock.

“What a fucking waste of time.”

Darwin added: “I would rather be sold to one of those circuses where they make you ride a tiny bicycle while dressed as a bellboy, if it were a choice between that and another Saturday afternoon in that Swedish hall of woe.”