'D'You Know What? I'm Such A F*cking Racist' Says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE leader David Cameron is facing fresh embarrassment after a senior backbencher described himself as 'an enthusiastic and committed racialist'.

Dennis Hatton-Finch, MP for Minchinhamptonsteadbury, has refused to resign after writing an article for his local newspaper entitled: 'Aren't Africans Ghastly?'.

He said: "My article in the Minchin Courier is a serious contribution to the debate about the absolute ghastliness of Africans.

"I was simply saying how awful these foreigners are and why they should stay in their own stinky little countries.

"Does that make me the new Enoch Powell? Possibly, but I tell you what, you should hear me at home. It's all 'n-word' this and 'd-word' that. I'm such a total bigot."

Mr Hatton-Finch added: "They come over here with their huge penises, beating us at football and making me feel like a girl.

"And it's not just the Africans. The other day a Polish chap turned up at my door and told my wife he would flush her pipes for £75.

"I mean, really. Coming over here with their tool kits and their huge penises and flushing my wife without an appointment."

The work and pensions secretary Peter Hain said: "This proves beyond doubt that each and every member of the Conservative Party wipes their dirty bottom with Nelson Mandela toilet paper."

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Tutankhamun 'killed by frying pan', say experts

KING Tutankhamun died after being spanked very hard in the face with a heavy frying pan, a leading Egyptologist has claimed.

As the face of the boy king was revealed to the world for the first time in three thousand years, experts agreed that the 18th Dynasty pharaoh had clearly been the victim of a pan-wielding assassin.

“Tutankhamun was famed for his long, sensitive nose,” said Professor Jean-Claude Lafarge, of the University of Luxor.

“But look at it now. Someone must have absolutely fucking whacked him with a frying pan.”

Dr Abdul Al-Maktar, head of pots at the Cairo Institute, said the spanking seemed to have been caused by a flat, heavy iron pan with a long handle.

“The ancient Egyptians called it a faktiti and used it for cooking eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausages, black pudding and bacon.”

He added: “Look how hard they hit him. They must have taken a run-up.”

There is evidence contained within ancient hieroglyphs of a plot to kill the young pharoah with a kitchen implement.

A papyrus dating from around 1320 BC, discovered near Abu Simbel, reads: “The Living Image of Amun has betrayed his destiny and inflicted poor harvests upon Thebes.

“I think I might banjo the big-nosed bastard with the wife’s faktiti.”