Economy like my scrotum, says Osborne

THE economy contracts when cold, like a scrotum, chancellor George Osborne said last night.

Mr Osborne said the bitter chill of winter had left Britain temporarily embarrassed but stressed the UK economy was becoming increasingly testicular.

He said: “Ever since I was a school boy I have been lucky enough to have an ice cold bath every morning.

“And today, as I lay there reading the fourth quarter GDP figures, I had a sudden revelation. I immediately shouted ‘eureka’, leapt out of the bath and took this picture of my ball sack.”

Mr Osborne then unveiled a 10 foot square photograph of his badly shrivelled scrotum, adding: “D’you see what I mean?”

But the chancellor warned there could be no change in policy insisting scrotums could not be unshrivelled by waving a magic wand and urged consumers to treat the economy to the warm water and baggy, brightly patterned swimming shorts of increased spending.

He added: “While China struts around in tight jeans showing off its burgeoning packet, Britain’s once-proud Linford Christie-ness continues to recede like an Arctic swimmer’s.

“We must stay the course. We cannot simply turn a hairdryer on oursleves as I’m pretty sure we would get badly burned or get our John-Thomas trapped in the mechanism.”

The scrotum theory supersedes all of Mr Osborne’s previous economic metaphors including ‘a tin bath full of shit hurtling down a hill’  and ‘a dollymop’s fandango during shore leave’.


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

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