Ed Miliband 'way better at computers than Cameron'

THE Labour leader’s computer skills are light years ahead of David Cameron’s, it has emerged.

The prime minister launched himself on Twitter last night with the hashtag #FuckLabour and a series of disparaging spoof names for Labour politicians including “Ed MiliBAD”, “Tessa COWell” and “Ed Balls i.e. BOLLOCKS”.

But David Cameron’s foray into social media backfired when Milliband strapped on a special headset, fired up eight monitors simultaneously and remotely disabled the entire Downing Street network in under two minutes.

Miliband, whose home computer set-up looks like Cape Canaverel’s control centre, said: “I even replaced his screensaver with a moving gif of Cameron’s face photoshopped into a Gladiator-themed gay porn scene.

“You may not think it to look at me, but I’m actually very good with computers. Very good indeed.

“And although I didn’t find the prime minister’s humour amusing, the feeble configuration of his firewall was positively side-splitting.”

David Cameron said: “It’s all light-hearted banter, isn’t it? Like rap battles, but done on a computer.”

“My wife likes rap.”



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Golfers trash talk pathetic

RYDER Cup golfers have been told to stop doing trash talk because it is pathetic.

Europe’s Ian Poulter threatened to ‘kill’ the US while America’s Brandt Snedeker said he wanted to ‘beat the Europeans brains in’ before everyone reminded them that they play the safest and most middle class sport in the world.

Experts have now urged both teams to calm down, stressing that they make Tory MPs look edgy.

Julian Cook, professor of sports-based insults at Roehampton University, said the golfers should avoid the embarrassing allusions to violence and instead focus on each other’s weaknesses.

He added: “What about, ‘hey, American golfer, your trousers make you look like a child molester.

“Or ‘hey, American golfer, if you win you’ll probably thank Jesus, you creepy fucking weirdo’.

“Or ‘hey, American golfer, you probably make Tiger Woods sit at the back of the bus, you racist shit.

“Or ‘hey, Tiger Woods, when are you going to tell your kids how many whores you’ve fucked?’

“That sort of thing.”