Everyone in Britain promises anything at all if May resigns

EVERY last living person in Britain has promised to do everything Theresa May asks of them the moment that she resigns. 

Promises made include the unanimous passing of her Brexit deal, the resignation of Jeremy Corbyn, the exile of Philip Hammond, sworn statements from all voters confirming she was right all along and the return of grammar schools.

The move is backed by the Conservative party, Labour party, SNP, ERG, DUP and the EU, all who have confirmed that the world of May’s dreams is within her reach and requires only one simple action.

A Downing Street insider said: “What an incredible legacy. Brexit, the replacement of the two-party system by a single-party system by popular agreement, cheering in the streets, a 70ft Theresa May statue in Parliament Square.

“The Queen herself has promised to lead a parade finishing in a Wembley Stadium tribute concert, broadcast live to billions, which will make Live Aid look like a local pub’s Friday gig night.

“Who could resist such an offer? Surely no-one. Please God surely not even her.”

The insider then took another call from the many that were queuing and confirmed, yet again, that once a resignation had been accepted it could not be taken back.

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Animal rights activist didn’t ask permission to film us, say salmon

SOME fish that went viral as part of an animal-rights campaign have complained about the vegans who filmed their farm without permission.

The salmon considered it an invasion of privacy to have their home lives broadcast without any warning, or access to psychological support.

Salmon, Bill McKay said: “It’s an act of cruelty by those activists – we just weren’t ready for the Facebook fame.

“Also, two of my friends were caught on camera, doing it.

“If they’re going to be stars of a sex tape, they ought to be rewarded properly.”