Farage attacked by Scottish Farage

NIGEL Farage stared through the looking glass yesterday as he was besieged in an Edinburgh pub by demented nationalists.

The UKIP leader had gone to Scotland to talk about why the country you come from is the most important thing about you, but was forced to flee by some furious Scottish people who believe exactly the same thing.

Farage said: “It was like Being John Malkovich. I looked out and saw lots of angry, Scottish versions of my own face.

“Thankfully, it has taught me absolutely nothing.”

Bill McKay, a Scottish Farage, said: “I want to kill that posh English bastard and his message of hate.”


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Older workers kept alive by hate

PEOPLE who do not retire live longer because they are fuelled by hatred for their co-workers.

As a survey found that people who continue working into old age have longer lives, elderly employees said it was because of the burning rage.

70-year-old engineer Roy Hobbs said: “Every morning I see my team’s stupid, bonk-eyed faces and have to listen to their inane fucking banter about nothing.

“Then there’s my boss, a horrible, bigoted man with dirty fingernails and a blubbery neck from all the lovely expensive food he gets to eat because of our relentless toil.

“I want to repeatedly hit them all with spanners. I’m an old man but I have the barely-controlled aggression of a pissed off 20-year-old.

“That’s why I’m still so full of energy.”