Farage cackling maniacally in front of bonfire

NIGEL Farage has been laughing maniacally in front of an enormous fire for the last 18 hours.

After confirming his hope that the Pound becomes worthless after Brexit, the bulbous UKIP leader started giggling uncontrollably and has shown no sign of stopping.

A UKIP spokesman said: “We waved a pint of bitter under his nose but he just carried on staring into the depths of the inferno, mirthlessly tittering as the flames danced in the inky voids of his eyes.”

Meanwhile, Farage’s neighbours have complained to the council about the fact their dogs are continually howling at the sound of him but have been told that bone-chilling laughter is not a statutory noise nuisance.

The spokesman added: “Eventually we just threw a blanket over his head, like you do to make your budgie sleep. But he’s still cackling away.”

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Trump unites shocked world in contempt for him

PEOPLE of different races, creeds and sexual orientations all think Donald Trump is a f**ker, it has emerged.

As the world reels from tragic events in Orlando, diverse social groups came together over their feelings about the scrotum-skinned billionaire.

Roy Hobbs, from Birmingham, said: “Sometimes its seems the world is impossible to understand.

“Then Donald Trump pops up in the wake of something incomprehensibly horrible and says ‘I was right’ and you realise there are some absolute truths, like what a rotten opportunistic bastard he is.

“I speak to people from all walks of life and they feel similarly. So in a way he’s building bridges.”

Christians, Muslims, atheists, straight people and gay people have found a common ground in wishing Trump’s parents had never met, prompting speculation that he is a brilliant and selfless man who doesn’t believe a word he says.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Many have speculated that ‘Trump’s’ real name is Jason Price and that he’s a gifted character actor who created Trump to unite a disparate world against a colossal knobhead.

“Maybe it’s true. You can’t give up hope, that’s what ‘Trump’ wants.”