Female body hair 'may stop women meeting gits'

FEMALE body hair is a massive turn-off for virgins, shallow narcissists and picky twats, it has emerged.

Unless women observe strict body hair removal regimes, they may be unable to form romantic relationships with men with loads of weird psychological hang-ups.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “Women’s bodies should be hairless, like an Action Man or newly born baby mice. Anything else just isn’t sexy.

“They are permitted a small strip of pubic hair if it’s neat and tidy, although I’m not sure who put me in charge of ladies’ vaginal areas.

“I’d never have sex with with a woman with body hair. That’s probably why I’m still a virgin aged 29, but it’s a small price to pay for never having seen a slightly hairy female armpit.”

Personal trainer Stephen Malley agreed: “Last night an incredibly sexy woman was really hitting on me, but luckily I noticed she had fine, downy hairs on her arms before we could have mindblowing sex.

“I expect all my girlfriends to be hair-free. I’m not some control freak, just a normal guy who happens to arrange the items in his fridge alphabetically and shaves his testicles every day.”

Feminist Donna Sheridan said: “I blame internet porn, but you should probably do your legs because even Guardian readers don’t want to shag a French werewolf.”

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Man creates authentically awful 'fanzone' in his living room

A FOOTBALL fan has created a Euro 2016 fanzone, complete with big screen, branded alcohol and police presence, in his own front room. 

Stephen Malley of Stoke-on-Trent has recreated the atmosphere of the fanzones around France by charging himself an inflated price for lager, moving his television so it can only be seen from an awkward angle, and urinating behind the sofa.

He said: “If you can’t get a ticket, this is the next best thing to not having a ticket but inexplicably going to France anyway.

“I’ve erected a temporary steel fence to stop me getting out and my brother-in-law’s dressed in a gendarme outfit and occasionally charges in to give me a few blows around the head with his baton.

“It’s incredible to sit here, sweating in my replica shirt, a sea of empty cans and discarded, half-eaten baguettes around my feet, knowing I’m getting exactly the same experience as the fans hundreds of miles away.

“Though there is always something a little bit sad about a solo riot.”