Farage says Carswell has 'never really let the hate flow through him'

NIGEL Farage has accused UKIP MP Douglas Carswell of betraying the party ‘by not letting the hate flow through him’.

The former UKIP leader said Carswell had become ‘all soft and effeminate’ on immigration and ‘could never truly understand the ancient power of xenophobia’.

He added: “Carswell has become infected with sentiment. He sees foreigners as humans. If you want to be in UKIP, you have to let the hate flow through you properly. You can’t half-arse it, you have to see it as your destiny.

“Anyway, I’m not about to let him pick me up and throw me over a banister.”

Farage then sent Carswell a message on his mobile saying, ‘Oh and by the way… you will DIE’.

Carswell responded: “You are a very strange little man.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Towns with best 'quality of life' all sound shit

THE UK towns with the best ‘quality of life’ all sound like stuck-up smugholes with a ‘green’ and an expensive butcher, Britain has agreed.

The towns, which all have names like Upper Chubbington and Chufty-on-the-Wold, were rated as brilliant by people who find themselves aroused by a vicar cycling past a cricket match.

Helen Archer, from Manchester, said: “Ooh, apparently this one has ‘a family-owned ironmongers that’s been in the same building for 108 years’.

“That’s exactly the shit I look for, as opposed to a decent burrito place or broadband that actually fucking works.

“I bet they all have a residents’ association fervently campaigning against mobile masts because they might block the view of a swan landing on a pond.

“Yes, a big Tesco doesn’t look good on a postcard, but on the other hand you can’t get four pints of milk at 11pm from a church that was mentioned in the Domesday Book.”

Archer added: “God, imagine the passive-aggressive notes you’d get on your windscreen if you were a day late mowing your lawn. I wouldn’t live there if you paid me.”

Next story ›