President of United States wildly applauded for getting through whole speech without massive f**k up

THE President of the United States has managed to get through an entire speech without saying anything explicitly dangerous or obviously insane. 

Donald Trump successfully managed to read words off a screen for almost an hour without straying off topic, bragging about the size of his inaguration and/or penis, or lapsing into incoherence. 

Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee said: “A full hour? God bless America.

“I naturally assumed we’d be getting the usual 10 scripted minutes followed by extemporised remarks on Schwarzengger’s Apprentice ratings, the rugged handsomeness of Putin, how incredibly smart he is and an imaginary terrorist attack on Limerick. 

“Instead he read his whole speech out like a good boy, rewarded by regular applause. I haven’t been this proud since my grandson stopped shitting in the bath.

“What an incredible president. Really puts the last one to shame.” 

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Dog can’t wait for owners to come home and see what he’s done with the place

A PET dog cannot wait for his owners to come back so they can see how he has remodelled the house. 

Two-year-old mongrel Ronnie decided to spend the day throwing a few things around, destroying some other things and hiding to wait for the gleeful reaction.

He said: “Why today? I dunno. I guess I just felt in that creative mood.

“I started with the skirting boards; I thought ‘you know, I’m bored of seeing those things and I bet everyone else is, so why don’t I just chew ‘em up and rip ‘em out.’

“Then I went crazy with the cushions, I mean really crazy, ripping them to shreds and throwing them everywhere and yes, the feathers made me vomit but you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

“After that I dug up the carpet, pissed in the kitchen and lay down for a little bit of a rest. They are gonna be so thrilled when they see this. They’ll be saying ‘good boy’ for months.

“Unless I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.”