Manchester United forgot to take EFL trophy home

MANCHESTER United’s players have realised they forgot to take the EFL trophy home from Wembley, even though it is so important to them.

Jubilation soon turned to mild embarrassment as United were forced to call lost property offices across the capital in the hope of finding England’s third most important club trophy.

Jose Mourinho said: “I remember lifting it and then passing it on to someone else, and after that I pretty much forgot all about it. I presumed one of the lads had put it in their bag.

“Still nobody will ever forget that moment of slight pleasure at the final whistle, that was the kind of thing you tell your grandchildren about.”

Midfielder Paul Pogba said: “I honestly thought we’d won the FA Cup, but then they handed us this thing that looked like it’d come out of a Kinder egg.”

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Sex education to be compulsory for people who are particularly bad at sex

THE government is to make sex education compulsory for all UK citizens who are terrible at sex, it has confirmed. 

Letters will be sent out to millions over the next two months ordering them to attend sex education classes or face fines of up to £80.

Home secretary Amber Rudd said: “We are a leading world economy, but sadly Britons remain lamentably ill-equipped in the bedroom.

“Anyone with a score of 2.4 or less in the National Sex Database will be required to attend a course covering everything from basic hygiene to a few simple techniques for satisfying sexual partners.

“Following which a multiple-choice theory test with a passing score of 80 per cent will certify attendees as proficient lovers and issue them with badges.

“Either get better at it or stop. It’s the law.”

Eleanor Shaw, from Wrexham, said: “Oh dear. My husband is not going to be happy. It’s his speed awareness course all over again.”