May gives up eating live mice for Lent

PRIME minster Theresa May is observing Lent by giving up her daily snack of six live mice.

Downing Street said that, as the daughter of a clergyman and a devout Christian, Mrs May takes Lent very seriously and that abstaining from live mice for 40 days is ‘an act of spiritual devotion’.

A spokesman added: “Live mice are the prime minister’s favourite indulgence. She doesn’t eat them because she has to or because they are nutritious, it just makes her very happy.

“She celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating 24 live mice in half an hour.”

An RSPCA spokesman added: “It would be nice to have a Conservative prime minister who did not do unspeakable things to animals.”

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Latest 80s revival is man’s relationship with school girlfriend

FOLLOWING Ghostbusters and Stranger Things, the latest 80s revival is Nathan Muir’s relationship with Nikki Hollis from 1988.

The relationship, which was briefly popular at the time, has been brought back by the two 46 year-olds but on a bigger budget and with higher production vales.

Muir said: “I suppose, like Blade Runner, it was always one of those things that stood alone at the time but had the potential to go much further.

“But it wasn’t until I bumped into Nikki at Reflex that I realised that, as with Bros, the right time for this comeback was now and that people were genuinely hungry for it.”

Nikki agreed: “In a surprise twist, the ending of the original, where I was cheating on him with Jason Hollis, has now been reversed and I’m married to Jason and cheating with Nathan.

“We’ve really raised the stakes and made it much more adult. This one will finish in a Travelodge rather than with a kick in the nuts behind the science block.”