Five horrible policies Tory voters love

NICE liberal voters still find it hard to grasp that the government enacts nasty policies because its supporters like them. Conservative voter Norman Steele lists his favourites: 

Forced deportations

They say not everyone being deported deserves it. But I say you can’t make an omelette without deporting a few blacks. While we’re waiting to get rid of the Poles, where’s the harm? Jamaica’s lovely and sunny and there’s lots of work being a Yardie or toasting to dancehall riddims.

Universal Credit

Universal Credit has been an unmitigated disaster that’s left people starving. Good. Being so weak they can’t move will motivate them to get a job. And if a few die it’ll serve the scrounging vermin right for making me personally buy them a TV with my taxes.

Privatising the NHS

Is private health insurance really so terrible? I just changed my contents insurance and I got a £50 Amazon voucher for free, so there’s two sides. Also let’s be honest, there are bits of the NHS we could scrap entirely. They make these dyslexia and autisms up.

Local council cuts

You’d think Tories would like traditional local things such as libraries. We do, but only for large-print crime novels. All public services should be means- and age-tested, and only awarded to the over-55s who’ve earned them. These young ones expect everything for free.

Not building affordable homes

Affordable housing? That might devalue my own house, so the less homes built, the better. Our children desperately want us to die so they can get the house, and rightly so because they were raised with good honest grasping Tory values, but they can bloody well wait.

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Some dick going down high street in canoe

SOME twat is making a mockery of the flooded high street by going down it in a canoe, locals have confirmed. 

Residents of a Lancashire town, whose homes were inundated with filthy water and slept on the floor of a school gymnasium, were rescuing their precious possessions when the utter tool sailed past.

Retiree Roy Hobbs said: “Oh yeah, bloody hilarious. A canoe on the high street. What a hilarious f**king jape. 

“Look, he’s slaloming past the post box and lampposts while the camera crew for the local news film him. Ah, they’re having to do the shot again because Pete from the pub was caught doing the wanker sign in the background. 

“Yeah, you’d better strap your canoe back on your f**king roof-rack and f**k off, mate. Take Pitts Lane back to the main road. Don’t worry about where it looks flooded, it’s only shallow, you can drive straight through it.” 

Canoeist Joe Turner said: “I thought it’d bring a few smiles to a few faces. But they hated me and wanted me to die.”