Storm creates no problems for people who just wanted to stay in and get drunk

PEOPLE who had just wanted to stay at home and drink while watching TV have confirmed the storm was not a problem.

Researchers found that that people who watched Netflix while getting drunk or ‘gently toasted’ actively enjoyed having a storm as a backdrop.

Living room enthusiast, Nathan Muir said: “I hadn’t really planned on going for a 5k run or doing any disco dancing so I quite liked the storm. Gave me a reason to sit back in my reclining chair, drink hard liquor and stroke the dog.”

“Don’t get me wrong, it really was a bitter shame that the weather was too bad for me to go out and play a game of five-a-side football or do some gardening at 10pm but what can you do?”

“If it happens again tonight I may have to finish that bottle of Macallan and watch The Godfather 2. What a terrible shame.”

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Search for end of Sellotape enters second day

THE search for the end of a roll of Sellotape has entered its 25th hour.

Bill McKay reported the end of the tape lost yesterday morning evening and hopes are fading that it will be found.

Volunteer Nikki Hollis said: “We thought we’d got it around 3am. Everybody cheered. But it was just one of those light bits that you can see through the top layers.”

An increasingly fraught McKay said: “They say if you don’t find it in the first 24 hours you might never find it. We’re not even sure what we’re looking for.

“It could be a perfectly straight end camouflaged against the rest of the roll. Or it could be one of those triangle bits that happens when you bite it instead of cutting.”

Volunteers expressed hope that it would be found, but remained realistic about their chances. McKay has asked for donations to keep the search going.

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