England really not like in the brochures, discovers tourist

A SPANISH tourist visiting England for the first time has confirmed it is not remotely like the brochures.

Juan Esterel, from Valencia,  said: “It’s much more grey and dirty. And there seems to quite a lot of odorous mud.

“Meanwhile, many of the people are less than delightful.”

During his three week trip Esterel was subjected to baffling homophobic epithets in Chester, ate a tepid, shiny brown sausage in York and was chased down an alleyway way in Cambridge by a gang of young Conservatives dressed as Sebastian Flyte from Brideshead Revisted.

He added: “It seems I may have given the English tourist board the benefit of the doubt.”

After his disappointing visit to England, Esteral said he is now looking forward to the romantic, excrement-free cobblestone streets of Paris.

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Impressing women by playing instrument does not apply to ukulele

MEN hoping to impress women by playing an instrument have been reminded it does not apply to the ukulele.

Experts stressed that the ukulele should only be learned by people who genuinely love the instrument and not by those hoping to look sexy.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “While there have been a few cases of male ukulele players succeeding with women, it is purely coincidental. The women were not aware that those men played the ukulele.

“Indeed, many ukulele players go to great lengths to conceal their ukulele playing. For example if they are in a social situation and a friend says ‘Jim plays the ukulele’, ‘Jim’ will say ‘no I do not, that’s a lie’.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Recommended instruments include the guitar, the bass and the piano. Even the violin and the harp could do the business, especially in the hands of an Irishman.

“The only thing that comes close to being as bad as the ukulele is, of course, the trumpet.”