Wednesday, 30th September 2020

For f**k's sake, can't you dickheads keep a disastrous policy in place long enough for me to slag it off?

by Sir Keir Starmer, QC

OH FOR f**k’s sake. I had the press releases about betraying a generation of children ready to go. I’d rehearsed my anger. I was booked on breakfast TV. 

There was at least three days worth of political capital in this fiasco. Our people thought I could ride it right through GCSE results to the Sunday papers.

And then, like the bunch of craven f**king cowards you are, you cave in, announce an immediate U-turn and make it all about your incompetence before I can lay a finger on you.

It’s my own fault. I believed you. When that twat Williamson said ‘No U-turns, no change’ on telly on Saturday I thought it would last at least five days.

I was rubbing my hands together, like a dickhead. I though finally I’d be able to land some blows without you collapsing completely before I get near.

But I overestimated you again. One word from that blonde wanker who didn’t want his holiday disturbed and it’s U-turn and government humiliation and I’m standing here like a spare prick at a wedding.

Yeah yeah, all the headlines are about how shit you are. But there’s no mention of how great I am. Even when it comes to being hopeless f**k-ups, you get all the credit.

Ah well. There’ll be another massive cock-up along within a fortnight. All I ask is can you please give me 48 hours to get the boot in this time?