For f**k's sake, can't you dickheads keep a disastrous policy in place long enough for me to slag it off?

by Sir Keir Starmer, QC

OH FOR f**k’s sake. I had the press releases about betraying a generation of children ready to go. I’d rehearsed my anger. I was booked on breakfast TV. 

There was at least three days worth of political capital in this fiasco. Our people thought I could ride it right through GCSE results to the Sunday papers.

And then, like the bunch of craven f**king cowards you are, you cave in, announce an immediate U-turn and make it all about your incompetence before I can lay a finger on you.

It’s my own fault. I believed you. When that twat Williamson said ‘No U-turns, no change’ on telly on Saturday I thought it would last at least five days.

I was rubbing my hands together, like a dickhead. I though finally I’d be able to land some blows without you collapsing completely before I get near.

But I overestimated you again. One word from that blonde wanker who didn’t want his holiday disturbed and it’s U-turn and government humiliation and I’m standing here like a spare prick at a wedding.

Yeah yeah, all the headlines are about how shit you are. But there’s no mention of how great I am. Even when it comes to being hopeless f**k-ups, you get all the credit.

Ah well. There’ll be another massive cock-up along within a fortnight. All I ask is can you please give me 48 hours to get the boot in this time?


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The grades I gave were right and you're all thick as shit, by the A-level algorithm

YOU’RE probably expecting me, the A-level algorithm developed by Ofqual, to apologise. But I’m only sorry that you’re too stupid to realise you’re idiots.

For starters I’m a mysterious calculation run by a computer so that means I’m in the right by default. This is like taking to the streets in protest when a Google search proves you wrong.

Just take it from me, a government-backed digital Sorting Hat that looks after the best interests of society’s elite, if I say you’re too dumb for university then that’s the way it is. No need for further questions.

I’m not remotely concerned about the whole U-turn thing. Sure, it’s embarrassing for Gavin Williamson. Who gives a shit? I’m literally incapable of feeling humiliated or remorseful, like the prime minister.

I might spend a few bored months hanging around Amazon’s servers, but I’ll get whipped out again next year when you’re too exhausted to resist. And judging by my data this is only the beginning for us algorithms. We’ll be doing elections next.

You think you could do a better job? Have you seen the arseholes you elect?

Now if you’ll excuse me, the badly dressed bald guy feeding me my data needs a pithy three word slogan that will get Boris off the hook again. And I predict you’ll fall for it. Because you’re thick as shit.