Teenagers on awkward first dates back in the bowling alleys

TEENAGERS planning toe-curlingly awkward first dates with long-time crushes are thrilled that bowling alleys are open again. 

Adolescents with raging desires but no idea how to talk to the opposite sex have had nowhere to date because Nando’s is full of middle-aged dads on vouchers and cinemas are closed.

Year 10 pupil Joshua Hudson said: “I’m taking Grace from my Geography class out on the lanes tonight. We’ve been in touch every day through lockdown. Well, we like each other’s Instagram stories.

“I’m going to make sure I use the heaviest ball there is to really show her how manly I am. Then I’ll buy her some chicken nuggets and a Slush Puppie — my treat. My mum’s lent me a fiver.”

Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’ve never been bowling, but I’ll pretend I have to seem sophisticated, then largely look at the ground and not say anything.

“Will we follow social distancing? Yes, but only until the last five minutes when he puts his arm around me after a successful strike and we kiss, then look away panicking, then kiss again, then excuse each other while we text ‘OMG’ to all our mates.

“It’s just such a romantic place, you know? And boys look so sexy in bowling shoes.”

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Rough f**kers and posh wankers ready to unite in fury over GCSEs

ROUGH bastard parents and posh twat parents are preparing to join in aggrieved fury about the government ballsing up GCSEs. 

The mums and dads of scally little f**kers and superior little pricks are ready for a historic coming together across class boundaries to shout angrily at the government for failing their precious offspring.

Donna Sheridan, aged 37, said: “It’s a f**king load of shit that our Josh isn’t going to get the GCSEs he needs for his apprenticeship because of a f**king computer. That’s bollocks that is.

“He’s worked bloody hard at that school when he’s there and now they’re snatching his future away from him. I’m about ready to f**king riot.”

Eleanor Shaw, aged 49, said: “While I might take issue with Donna’s language, I’m entirely in agreement that if an algorithm denies Oliver his chance of getting into Cambridge, then violent action would be justified.

“I would be proud to stand beside Donna at the barricades. And though certainly she will be able to crack a few heads, I think she’d be impressed with my prowess with a Molotov cocktail.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “This is clearly a looming disaster of epic proportions which will do untold damage. We plan to do nothing.”