GORDON Brown last night said he was amazed to discover that Britain had quite a lot of immigrants.
The prime minister said that if only he had known he would have done something about it, but now they are here they should all talk properly and watch Antiques Roadshow.
Mr Brown added: "As soon as I found out there were immigrants I asked for a full report and I am now pleased to confirm that after a decade of them sneaking in willy-nilly, last year only two foreigners arrived in Britain, both clutching an old wooden clock and asking for Fiona Bruce.
"However, I accept there are still quite a few unusual-sounding people in this country who insist on maintaining a culture that can often seem at odds with Britishness, such as working really hard and minding their own business."
The prime minister said foreigners are often to be found crowded into East London constituencies where local, indigenous majorities of less than 8000 can easily feel threatened.
He added: "I have no idea how they got here but I will do everything I can to make sure they all get their clocks valued at a stately home and that if you shut your eyes you would swear you were talking to Adam Woodyat or Martine McCutcheon."
Calling for a calm and rational debate, Mr Brown said: "I think it's very important that politicians do not use immigration as a political football, especially the racist ones in the Conservative Party.
"We must treat this issue sensitively, unite against extremists and I've got fifty quid right here for anyone who can actually tell me the difference between the Tories and the SS."