MORE than 50% all young Tories have had their policies stolen off them by a pair of gruff Scotsmen, research by the Howard League for Penal Reform suggests.
According to the charity nearly 75% of the young Tories have been intimidated by the Scotsmen while at school, with 65% saying their nipples had been tweaked in the corridor by the one older boy known as “The Big Clunking Shit”.
The survey found that all the Tories had suffered some low-level victimisation by the Shit in the last decade, and that most had gone home and told their mums and cried about it a little bit.
Frances Crook, director of the League, cited the tragic case of ‘George’ a young Tory boy who had been cornered in the playground by Scotsmen and stripped bare of all his ideas.
George said: “I was just standing around in the playground having a laugh with my mate Dave and ‘Speccy’ Gove, with all of us saying how great it would be if we were running the country.
“Then these beastly Scotsmen turned up. The Big Clunking Shit grabbed me and pinned my arms behind my back while the other went through my pockets and stole all my policies on inheritance tax and non-doms.
“Dave tried to fight them off but they punched him and stole his Wagon Wheels, his plan to tax flights not passengers, a packet of jammy dodgers, a diamond necklace and a Faberge egg. Speccy Gove just ran off. Pansy.”
The League has called for increased government investment which the Tories will then copy for at least three years.