Half Of All Young Tories Are Victims Of Policy Theft, Says Charity

MORE than 50% all young Tories have had their policies stolen off them by a pair of gruff Scotsmen, research by the Howard League for Penal Reform suggests.

According to the charity nearly 75% of the young Tories have been intimidated by the Scotsmen while at school, with 65% saying their nipples had been tweaked in the corridor by the one older boy known as “The Big Clunking Shit”.

The survey found that all the Tories had suffered some low-level victimisation by the Shit in the last decade, and that most had gone home and told their mums and cried about it a little bit.

Frances Crook, director of the League, cited the tragic case of ‘George’ a young Tory boy who had been cornered in the playground by Scotsmen and stripped bare of all his ideas.

George said: “I was just standing around in the playground having a laugh with my mate Dave and ‘Speccy’ Gove, with all of us saying how great it would be if we were running the country.

“Then these beastly Scotsmen turned up. The Big Clunking Shit grabbed me and pinned my arms behind my back while the other went through my pockets and stole all my policies on inheritance tax and non-doms.

“Dave tried to fight them off but they punched him and stole his Wagon Wheels, his plan to tax flights not passengers, a packet of jammy dodgers, a diamond necklace and a Faberge egg. Speccy Gove just ran off. Pansy.”

The League has called for increased government investment which the Tories will then copy for at least three years.

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Everyone In Public Life Now An Untrustworthy Bastard

ALL people in positions of responsibility are untrustworthy pieces of shit who have made it their life's mission to shaft you, according to new research.

The latest report from the Iain Rowntree Foundation found that everyone is now lying to you and trying to steal your money from the moment they get out of bed.

According to the two year study: 

  • Most sporting events have been fixed up to a decade in advance and most athletes are teeming with illegal buffalo hormones.

  • Television is a lie from start to finish and BBC bosses are achieving intense sexual gratification from concocting elaborate multi-million pound deceptions.

  • More people are now willing to believe in the Immaculate Conception than in advertised broadband speeds.

  • Newspaper editors would rather publish something tedious as long as it was complete fiction.

  • Banks are charging £35 for sending you a letter to tell you they've charged you £35 for going overdrawn and then charging you another £35 for going even further overdrawn because of the original £35 charge for going overdrawn.

  • Dan Brown is now regarded as the most trustworthy figure in public life.

Researcher Dr Wayne Hayes said: "From our analysis of the available evidence everyone is now lying through their teeth all the time.

"For instance, we discovered that the only genuine competition left in international sports is between the rival betting syndicates who are trying to fix everything."

He added: "In a surprising turnaround politicians are now seen as among the most trustworthy figures in public life.

"This is somewhat ironic as they're actually a bunch of lying cunts."