Diana Inquest: Jury Inspects Toilet Where Princess Had Final Movement

THE Diana inquest jury was last night taken to the bathroom of the Ritz Hotel in Paris to see where the Princess enjoyed her final bowel movement.

The jurors stood in silence before the Armitage Shanks Lichfield™ water closet which still contains the last precious evacuation – preserved by hotel staff in memory of the late Princess’ perfect intestinal health.

A row of Ikea tea lights was placed on top of the cistern to mark the solemn occasion.

Meanwhile one of the local Carmelite nuns who maintain a permanent vigil at the toilet said the rosary as the jury members filed past the makeshift shrine. 

A spokesman for the coroner said: “We all know that Diana spent a great deal of time and money keeping her colon well irrigated. Even now, all these years later, it was obvious that this movement had been perfectly executed by a beautiful woman in the prime of her digestive life.

“It really brought home to us all how fragile existence is. One minute you are sitting on the toilet thinking how glad you are you don’t suffer from constipation like poor people on bad diets and the next you are being murdered by the British secret service on the orders of Prince Phillip. Shocking.”

After leaving the toilet the coroner took the jury down the long corridors leading from the front of the hotel towards the service lift at the back. He turned right, then left and left again,then right, then he stopped for a moment, turned left again, stopped again and looked around him and then said: “Shit.”

He then retraced his steps and started all over again.

The inquest continues and is expected to be an expensive waste of time.

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'I'll Tell You What's A Hate Crime - That Outfit,' Says Straw

WEARING purple and brown together, especially with sideburns, is to be outlawed from next April, the government announced last night.

Justice secretary Jack Straw said outfits which incite hatred have no place in British society, adding that beige made him look fat.

Mr Straw told MPs: "I'm feeling so chunky today. Do you think I'd suit a pencil moustache? What if I dyed my eyebrows a different colour?"

He added: "I'll tell you what, these M&Ms are going straight to my thighs. Joaquim will be very upset. I could be in for quite a spanking."

The Justice department is to outline a new raft of hate crimes, the majority designed to protect men who were not good at PE.

From next year it will be illegal to use words such as 'speccy', 'fatty', 'nancy' and 'Christopher Biggins'.

Mr Straw said: "I want everyone to just stop being so bitchy, OK?"

He then dismissed shadow home secretary David Davis as 'a pig in knickers' before heading to an all-night Ugly Betty party in Soho.