‘Hey, remember that pig?’ asks Cameron

DAVID Cameron would prefer if Britain went back to talking about his romantic liaison with a dead pig.

After it was revealed that most of the people he knows are directors of an investment consultancy in Guam, the prime minister has been trying to change the subject as effectively as possible.

Cameron refused to confirm whether he has any money still invested in offshore tax havens, but said he did some ‘silly things at university’ which he would now be happy to discuss to the exclusion of all other subjects.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The fact his father was a tax-dodger, his whole upbringing was paid for by tax-dodging, his sense of right and wrong was taught to him by a tax dodger and his refusal to confirm his current tax dodging status has no bearing on his ability to deal with tax dodging.

“Anyway, what about that pig, eh?”

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Homeopath and man who buys premium petrol in committed relationship

A COUPLE who disagree on most things have been united by their love of bullshit products.

Amateur homeopath Donna Sheridan and premium petrol enthusiast Nathan Muir are politically opposed, with conflicting views on veganism, immigration and education. However they share a belief in spending perfectly good money on utter fucking nonsense.

Muir said: “I think man-made global warming is a child’s fairy tale and drive a massive Audi estate. And yes, I spend a little more for premium petrol brands called things like PlusPower Nitro TechFlow.

“My friends don’t understand, but who’s the one who may or may not be getting three miles more per gallon and a cleaner filter. Donna and I laugh at them. We call them the dirty engine boys.”

Sheridan said: “While Nathan doesn’t actually drink my horse-chestnut tea or take marigold tablets, he is absolutely behind the concept.

“Blindly committing to something with no proven effect other than reducing disposable income is at the core of who we are.”