How to get university students on your side, by Gavin Williamson

I’M confident I can stamp out ‘cancel culture’ on campuses because, as education secretary, I have a deep understanding of young people. Here’s how I intend to win them over.

Tell them what to think

At 18, a young person’s mind is a confused mess of hormones and fizzy pop. Without direction the average student will be a gay Marxist by their 21st birthday. That’s why they need a middle-aged white man like me to cancel cancel culture, leaving them free not to think about things.

Freeze fees

Freezing fees at £9,000 a year for one virtual seminar a week makes me a real hero of the people. Sure, lots of them still face decades or a lifetime of stressful debt, but you can’t put a price on knowledge.

A fruit hamper for every one

If there’s one thing students go crazy for, it’s vitamin C. A fruit hamper (actually three oranges) hand-delivered to every student is sure to put me in their good books. Don’t worry about the cost to the taxpayer, we can just stick a few extra quid on their fees when everyone’s distracted by something else.

Enforced lockdown imprisonment

Erecting metal fences around student accommodation at the first mention of Covid is a good way to show undergraduates just how much you care about them. Throw in a voucher for a half-price pizza and troublesome teenagers will soon be putty in your hands. 

Tamagotchis

In the unlikely event that these measures don’t work, I’ll be visiting universities to personally give out free Tamagotchis. The young people will be so excited about these fashionable new electronic pets they’ll forget what Change.org even is.

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Five fantastic new emojis just for Guardian readers

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Sad face because your child will only eat white bread

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Howl of pained anguish at the patriarchy and capitalism still running the world

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This range of emojis consists of yellow smiley faces doing ethical things like buying Fairtrade coffee or putting the recycling out. Use them frequently.