Monday, 8th March 2021

Why cases are actually declining, by a moronic lockdown sceptic

DO you stupidly believe there’s a connection between lockdown measures and falling infection rates? Lockdown sceptic Wayne Hayes explains what’s really sending the virus packing.

Covid’s just really tired

The virus has been grafting non-stop for roughly a year now, so it’s probably decided to put its little feet up and enjoy a well-earned rest. I’ve also helped to tire it out by having regular late-night parties so it can never get any kip, a good deed which my neighbours and the government have yet to thank me for.

Our protests scared it off

I might have agreed with the Black Lives Matter protests in principle, but there was no need for them to get so cross with the police. To show them how it’s done, I protested against Covid-19 by staying indoors and getting drunk while watching TV for a few months. I think the results speak for themselves.

The virus doesn’t really exist

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, whenever I suggest the virus doesn’t actually exist snowflakes bury their heads in their hands and tell me to shut up, which means I must be onto something. This is also how I decide I’ve won the many arguments I get into on the internet.

Aliens

The science of lockdowns is bullshit, whereas aliens are real or there wouldn’t be so many blockbuster science fiction movies about them. Is it too much of a stretch to imagine that they invaded Earth without us noticing and zapped the virus with their ray guns? After all, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.