Why cases are actually declining, by a moronic lockdown sceptic

DO you stupidly believe there’s a connection between lockdown measures and falling infection rates? Lockdown sceptic Wayne Hayes explains what’s really sending the virus packing.

Covid’s just really tired

The virus has been grafting non-stop for roughly a year now, so it’s probably decided to put its little feet up and enjoy a well-earned rest. I’ve also helped to tire it out by having regular late-night parties so it can never get any kip, a good deed which my neighbours and the government have yet to thank me for.

Our protests scared it off

I might have agreed with the Black Lives Matter protests in principle, but there was no need for them to get so cross with the police. To show them how it’s done, I protested against Covid-19 by staying indoors and getting drunk while watching TV for a few months. I think the results speak for themselves.

The virus doesn’t really exist

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, whenever I suggest the virus doesn’t actually exist snowflakes bury their heads in their hands and tell me to shut up, which means I must be onto something. This is also how I decide I’ve won the many arguments I get into on the internet.

Aliens

The science of lockdowns is bullshit, whereas aliens are real or there wouldn’t be so many blockbuster science fiction movies about them. Is it too much of a stretch to imagine that they invaded Earth without us noticing and zapped the virus with their ray guns? After all, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

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Only get a neck tattoo if you're famous, advises man with neck tattoo

A MAN believes it is best to hold off getting a tattoo covering all of your neck until you are rich, famous and highly desirable to women anyway.

After getting a large and intricate tattoo on his throat, Josh Hudson was disappointed by the negative response and feels it may be related to his lack of fame and working in a supermarket.

Hudson said: “I thought it was awesome, with all the roses, tigers, crucifixes and eagles, but the first thing my colleague Emma said was ‘What the f**k is that on your neck?’.

“The wider reaction hasn’t been much better. Women haven’t exactly been throwing themselves at me. Even my mum just sighed and said ‘What have you done now, Josh?’ instead of complimenting my edgy body art.

“That bloke who’s going out with Kourtney Kardashian doesn’t get grief over his. Seems like it’s one rule for people who work in Asda and another for members of Blink 182.

“I think I should have become famous before getting the tattoo. Still, it will motivate me to get my rockstar, actor or multi-millionaire rapper career off the ground.”

Hudson added that his recent decision to wear a scarf frequently was solely “because it’s cold”.