I am not evil because I am wearing white, explains May

THERESA May has explained to Britain that she is not the bad guy in this election because she is wearing white. 

May continued: “There are those who insist on seeing me as villainous, an unfair slur based only on things that I say and do. 

“But as you can see this is provably false because here I am in white, the colour of the good guys.

“Like Luke Starwalker from the film Space Wars that you like. I haven’t seen it myself, I only watch Songs of Praise and things about canals.”

She added: “Oh and Jesus wore white. Just FYI as it were.”

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Ask Holly: I fear the Blue Battleaxe

Dear Holly,

Today is a big day for me. If those evil Tories get in again my wife and family are in huge trouble, especially my oldest son who is disabled and my dear old granny, who has dementia and can’t get about like she used to. Let’s face it, if that Blue Battleaxe is elected we’ll have to flee the country or we can all start digging our own graves. My wife says I am being overly dramatic again, is she right?

Fantastic Mr Fox

Boggis’s Farm

Dear Mr Fox,

I love General Election Day. School is closed – yippie! – and all the adults are too busy questioning each other’s values and posting socialist memes on Facebook in order to offend their racist relatives from Peterborough to notice what their kids are doing. And what will we be doing? We’ll be taking careful notes about who we can blame in thirty years time when we’re all eating gruel and wearing hessian sacks in the workhouse and paying £1000 for one paracetamol. And also we’ll be eating Wotsits and watching Justin Bieber videos on the iPad.

Hope that helps,