I am The Crap Thatcher, confirms May

THERESA May has confirmed that she is just like Margaret Thatcher except not even any good at it. 

May admitted that her similarities to Thatcher, which include being a woman and being prime minister, do not extend to ruthlessness, principles, determination or basic competence.

She continued: “Thatcher defined herself by not U-turning. I spin like an owl’s head under even the slightest pressure, as this National Insurance thing has shown.

“Thatcher went to Europe and won Britain a rebate of £5 billion a year. I come here and make stern demands and they laugh and carry on talking in foreign.

“Thatcher could push through a radical agenda because she won overwhelming majorities in three general elections. I only even became leader because everyone else quit.

“I am a pale imitation of the Iron Lady, an authoritarian despot who isn’t even any good at it, which ironically means I’ll end up doing much more damage.”

May added: “Thankfully the opposition is led by the crap Michael Foot, so I’m fine.”

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Indyref2 set for after May has ballsed everything up but before she's kicked out

SCOTLAND’S second independence vote must happen in the window between Theresa May’s destruction of Britain and her sacking, Nicola Sturgeon has said. 

The first minister told media that the exact scheduling is incredibly difficult, but that autumn next year currently looks about right. 

She continued: “Post-Article 50, we’re expecting about six months while May continues to bluff boldly about EU negotiations while slowly realising exactly how much shit she’s in. 

“Then we build momentum for independence as the economy collapses, the Tories turn on each other, the prime minister loses her majority and Jeremy Corbyn continues to make jam. 

“That’s when we need to strike, while England’s an absolute hellhole but before May’s forced to resign and replaced by whichever luckless bawbag has to desperately offer concessions to the EU while the right-wingers rip them apart.

“We cannot wait until after Brexit. By that time the English will be so angry at how badly they’ve fucked themselves they’ll start a war with anyone.”