Saturday, 24th October 2020

I will only give up when every person in Britain has personally told me to f**k off, says Johnson

BORIS Johnson has confirmed he will only end his premiership when every single one of the UK’s 65 million citizens has personally told him to f*ck off. 

The prime minister, who has already been told to f*ck off by the Supreme Court, the House of Commons and his own wife, said that as long as there is one person in Britain yet to say it his dream will not die. 

He added: “If you haven’t told me one-on-one directly to my face to go and f*ck myself then you’re a Boris supporter. It’s as simple as that. 

“Unless I am vehemently and profanely rejected by a voter in person, then they are assumed to back me to the hilt. Tweets don’t count. They’re probably ironic. 

“Sadly much of the population of London has delivered this message, usually as I cycle past, but the entirety of Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, the North and everywhere else I’ve never visited has given me their full support."

Following Johnson’s statement the population of UK has formed an orderly queue beginning outside his home and stretching the length and breadth of the country, with everyone patiently awaiting their turn.