I Will Release Bruce Forsyth Into The Wild, Declares Cameron

ONE of the first acts of a Conservative government would be to take Bruce Forsyth into some woods and then let him go, David Cameron declared yesterday.

In his keynote speech to the Tory conference, Mr Cameron said he was sickened by the sight of the once majestic Strictly Come Dancing presenter being forced to apologise by BBC homosexuals and communists.

He said: "Britain will not be free until Bruce Forsyth is free. Then, and only then, will it be nice to see Britain, to see Britain nice.

"When I am prime minister I will coax Bruce into a large wooden crate, stick him on the back of a truck and then take him to the Forest of Dean where he can run around all day telling people that Paki is just a funny word."

In a wide-ranging speech Mr Cameron also pledged to destroy the British government, force dead people to work in Asda and drag everyone up a mountain so we can see all the land that is owned by his wife's family.

He said: "There's a steep climb ahead but the view from the top is worth it. Especially if it's yours as far as the eye can see."

The Tory leader called for a country of self-reliant people who knew how to pitch a tent, tie a knot, start a camp fire and cook a sausage after a day-long hike up Ben Nevis.

He added: "Britain, let me be your scoutmaster. I promise I will never try to feel you up or take photos of you in your trunks."

But Liam Byrne, chief secretary to the Treasury, dismissed the speech, adding: "It's the same old Tory plan to push thousands of poor people off the top of a big Scottish mountain.

"They're basically murderers."

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I consider myself to be a vaguely attractive gentleman, not completely abhorrent to women, and yet I never seem to have much luck in getting one to intercourse me. The main problem is that I just don't know how to communicate effectively with the opposite sex. If I spot a nice-looking girl in a bar I set out to win her with the best intentions, but usually just end up getting very drunk and asking her if she would like to suck me, which hasn't been terribly successful as yet. Please help.

Dear Cliff,
You obviously don't know how to play the game which all women expect you to play if you are to have any degree of success in love. You're probably still swapping marbles in the gutter or ducking about the playground doing rubbish machine gun sound effects with your mouth. Keep that up and you'll continue to fail miserably with the ladies. If you want to get your hands on the real prize you need to cast off your boyish frivolities, and limber up for more manly pursuits, such as kiss-chase. If you are unfamiliar with this particular technique, the basic aim is to chase and catch a girl, and plant a smacker on her before she wriggles free. Remember: the faster you can run, the more chance you have of ensnaring a nubile cutie. And don't be tempted to settle for the lolloping mingers who will run slowly on purpose so you catch them by mistake. So, the next time you're at work, why not suggest a game of kiss-chase to your female colleagues and I'm sure you'll have your hands up their skirts in no time.
Hope that helps!