A QUARTER of the world's population is unable to have a few sherberts or stare at some knockers they do not already own, according to new research.
The Institute for Studies found that one in four humans is now a no-booze, titty-hater, with 60% of them refusing a nice glass of wine and a copy of Penthouse in Asia.
Of the total no-booze, titty-hating population, around 90% are very opposed to brandy and dumplings, while 10% have an absolutely fanatical hatred of rich, peaty, single malt scotch and the mere thought of a stunning set of charlies all soaped-up and ready for action.
According to the report Iran, Iraq and Pakistan are the countries where you are least likely to find one of those clubs where you can buy big jugs of beer and watch fancy ladies in their pants.
But the report also found that more than 300 million of them live in countries where everyone else likes to get totally steaming and look at all manner of private parts.
The data revealed there were now more no-booze, titty-haters in Germany than in Lebanon, and more in Russia than in Jordan and Libya put together.
The report has been seized on by campaigners who warn that Europe will soon be free of booze and titties and anyone who wants to watch a Russ Meyer film while hammering a few cans of Sweetheart Stout will have their eyes gouged out, their tongue cut off and their John-Thomas thrown to a pack of dogs.
Researcher Nathan Muir said: "The data does suggest the possibility of increased cultural tension in countries with large no-booze, titty-hating communities. Which is a shame because booze and titties are excellent."
But Bill McKay, a vodka fiend who simply cannot get enough knockers, said: "Fear not, little ones.
"In an ever-changing world where our values are constantly under threat, we can be secure in the knowledge that a litre bottle from Asda and a well-thumbed La Senza catalogue will always prevail."