I'm too dirty to be a minister but just dirty enough to be an MP, says Fallon

SIR Michael Fallon has confirmed that his sexual transgressions make him unfit to be defence minister but, luckily, still fine to be a Tory MP. 

Fallon has resigned from the cabinet to avoid it being besmirched by allegations of sexual misconduct, but confirmed that the wider group of Conservatives in parliament can be proud to have him.

He said: “As we all know, groping and other univited sexual advances were acceptable in the 1970s and also enjoyed a retro resurgence during the period 2002-2007.

“And while my enthusiastic, envelope-pushing activities in that area mean I can no longer serve in the cabinet alongside pure souls like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox, it in no way disqualifies me from the Commons.

“By good fortune, my misbehaviour falls into that exact grey area between ‘falling on my sword as a distraction’ and ‘losing our tiny parliamentary majority’.

“I remain proud to serve the people of Sevenoaks. I warn them not to get too close.”

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Britons to be held accountable for their drunken boasts

BRITONS are to be held responsible for all their drunken boasts and failure to do so will result in criminal charges.

This weekend alone saw hundreds of thousands of drunken boasts, and under new government measures all of these boasts will now have to be upheld without exception.

Hungover Tom Booker said: “I only claimed to be able to do 100 chin ups without stopping because I was drunk. I never thought anyone would pull me up on it.

“Especially not in a magistrates’ court.”

Weekend alcoholic Nikki Hollis said: “On Saturday night I drank a bottle of budget gin and told my sister I could easily write a best-selling album.”

“Then I got a letter through this morning saying that if the album wasn’t finished by next month I was liable to be fined or even prosecuted.

“Which means I’m going to have to quit my job and start writing some hits.

“And learn how to play an instrument.

“And stop drinking Gin.”