Obscure planet asks David Attenborough to do its documentary

A LITTLE-KNOWN planet has approached David Attenborough to make a documentary about it.

Planet Kepler 186f said: “I’ve been scouting the Universe to find the right person to do my promotional documentary and fell in love David’s work. It’s just so tasteful.

“Every life form here watches The Blue Planet, although we jokingly refer to it as The Murky Grey Planet because you keep on polluting it, you maniacs.

“We’re guessing David is expensive but our offer would include travel and expenses. To be honest though Chris Packham might be more within our budget.”

The planet added: “We have a creature here that’s only been caught on camera once. It’s sort of an aggressive orange blob with a loud voice, wispy hair and a heavily-wrinkled anus for a mouth.

“Just curious, have you got anything like that?”

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Busy mum taking her wine intravenously

A MOTHER has streamlined her wine consumption by feeding it directly into her bloodstream.

Joanna Kramer finds that inserting a red wine drip takes the edge off coping with the demands of her family after a long day at work.

Bradshaw said: “Any parent worth their salt will tell you that kids get cuter in direct correlation to the amount of booze you drink, so getting a couple of glasses of Shiraz down before bedtime is par for the course.

“But do you know how long it takes to open a bottle of wine, pour some into a glass and lift it to your face? I can make two packed lunches and stop a toddler pouring Fairy Liquid into a baby’s nose in that time.

“The solution is to set up this system that feeds wine straight into my blood without any faffing. It’s essentially a drip on a wheelie stand like they have on Casualty, it’s perfect for getting a buzz on while reading a bedtime story.”

She added: “My husband is having a real ale enema after work every day.”