'I'm Your Private Dancer' Cameron Tells Voters

TORY leader David Cameron will attempt to revive his party's fortunes by telling voters he will do what they want him to do.

Mr Cameron told a press conference at Westminster that the Conservative Party must respond to the everyday concerns of ordinary voters, including their need to see him dance suggestively in a dimly lit club.

The Tory leader then worked his way along the front row of reporters offering to loosen their collars, before asking the political editor of the Daily Telegraph if he would like to see him do the shimmy again.

Mr Cameron added that voters should feel free to stuff tenners into his flimsy pants as most of the money would be returned in tax cuts after a Tory election victory.

Bill McKay, professor of politics at Glasgow Clyde University, said: "Usually when politicians are losing ground they resort to populism, but by offering to bump and grind in voters' faces, Cameron is changing the political landscape."

He added: "I suspect that Cameron is also the type who will offer people a little something extra in the back room if they are so inclined."

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Poster Reveals Unremitting Shitness Of New Robin Williams Movie

JUST looking at the poster for License to Wed, a new comedy starring Robin Williams, reveals the film's catastrophic shitness, it was claimed last night.

Film experts say the publicity material summarises perfectly the eye-gouging awfulness of the $50 million Warner Bros production.

License to Wed, which also features Mandy Moore and someone else, tells the story of two attractive young people whose lives are turned upside down by Williams' impersonation of a black man.

A spokesman for the Royal College of Film and Televison Reviewers, said: "This poster is a triumph. Just look at their dead eyes. Marvel at the no-holds-barred, in-your-face absence of imagination."

He added: "I am absolutely certain that everyone involved in this film has never seen it as anything other than a way to trick money out of cretins. And all that from one poster. Bravo!"

But a Warner Bros spokesman insisted: "It's Dead Poet's Society meets Mrs Doubtfire meets Jumanji meets Good Morning Vietnam meets One Hour Photo.

"Please don't kill me."