Is Boris Johnson in your WhatsApp group?

EVERY WhatsApp group has a member who rarely contributes except to make an inappropriate joke or offer tax-free status. Is it the prime minister? Here’s how to tell: 

Does he lie frequently? 

If your mystery member is always making extravagant promises – luxury holidays, tax exemptions, life peerages – that he doesn’t even remember, let alone keep, then it could well be Johnson. Ignore him as everyone does their WhatsApp bullshitter. 

Does he ask for numbers for sisters, girlfriends and wives?

When you bring up the women in your life, does this previously uninvolved person immediately barge into the conversation offering to help them and asking for their phone numbers? Are they especially interested if the women concerned work in journalism and have names like Aviella? 

Does he banter in Latin? 

When your member joins in the banter, do they tend to slip into Latin? Are you unable to joke about having been caught ordering a too-expensive bike without him saying ‘acta deos numquam mortalia fallunt, eh lads?’ 

Did he ask if anyone knew any PPE suppliers last spring? 

Anyone casually asking friends if they knew any Chinese PPE suppliers last spring could well be Johnson. If they followed up with ‘£££s in it for you!’ the risk increases. However if they say ‘No worries, mate from the Cock Inn is sorting’ then it’s Matt Hancock.

Does he ask you to ‘form a square around the Prittster’? 

If you received a baffling message last November that was swiftly deleted and followed up with ‘Sorry wrong group’ then the chance that you are sharing a WhatsApp group with Johnson is around 85 per cent. If you asked ‘Who’s the Prittster?’ and he replied ‘some moody cow at work’ the chance is 98 per cent. 

Have you formed a new WhatsApp group just to get away from the twat? 

Has everyone silently formed a new WhatsApp group consisting of everyone who was in the previous group minus one? Did you initially all let loose your annoyance with the dick, but now don’t even think about him? Yeah. It was Boris. This is what always happens.

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How to make sure your local park is middle class enough

DID you ignore your local park for decades until you were forced into using it by Covid? Here’s how to maintain standards now the sunshine has brought the riff-raff out.

Start a Facebook group

You never went in the park before the first lockdown as you were too busy driving the kids to orchestra in the Land Rover. Now you have appointed yourself moral guardian of the adventure playground and need a forum to shame the parents who vape there. 

Move your yoga class there

You can’t keep the people who have been using the park for years out by force, so do it by making them horribly uncomfortable instead. No one except wants to see 12 middle aged ladies doing a downward dog at 8am every morning.

Have a shit fit about litter

You and hubby can have a civilised picnic with bubbles and Manchego without leaving litter, so why can’t everyone else? Ignore anyone making a point about the amount of people and the lack of bins, and be a snob about disposable barbecues and cans of Carlsberg without actually using the word ‘common’.

Try to ban drinking

People have been enjoying a drink in this park for years but before Covid, you didn’t know or care because you spent your evenings necking Prosecco on your friend Tabitha’s decking. However, now you feel that slightly rowdy groups drinking cans of lager ruins the ambience, so you’ve decided to start a petition to ban it.

Call the police

If all else fails, call the police. It may be a community park, but if the community don’t behave in a way you think is appropriate, then ruthless law enforcement is needed. Those teenagers listening to music may look harmless enough, but they’re disturbing your meditation session so they should get at least two years.