It's A Monster Munch Landslide, According To Daily Mash Survey

MONSTER Munch will be the next first minister of Scotland, according to the latest Daily Mash readers' poll.

The reconstituted wheat and potato snack, shaped like monster's claw or perhaps a foot, took almost 50% of the votes, sweeping aside a range of weak and puny challengers.

Frazzles, the stripey, bacon flavoured treat, limped home in second pace with 20% while Quavers, a flimsy cheese concoction, and Wotsits, a vulgar orange tube, took around 15% each.

"Monster Munch ran a flawless campaign," said Professor Nathan Muir of Glasgow Clyde University.

"They focused on the chunkiness and managed to divert voters from the fact that pickled onion flavour is, when you think about it, really quite nasty."

He added: "Frazzles will disappointed not to have made progress on 2003 while Quavers are now down to their core vote compared with the heady days of the late 1980s.

"The poor showing by Wotsits suggests a very bad night for the Lib Dems."

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Alex Salmond Killed Your Guinea Pig, Blair Tells Scots Children

IN his final salvo of the election campaign Tony Blair has accused SNP leader Alex Salmond of killing the guinea pigs of thousands of Scottish children.

In a letter sent to every child under 12 in the country, the Prime Minister painted a gruesome picture of what life would be like under a Nationalist government.

"As you know the world is full of terrifying madmen who want to do you harm," wrote Blair. "But did you know that one of the worst madmen of all is living in the same country as you?"

The Prime Minister added: "Do you remember your guinea pig? Do you remember how much you loved it? And do you remember waking up one morning to discover that it had died, for no reason, during the night?

"The fact is, Alex Salmond, the leader of the SNP, crept into your house and strangled your guinea pig. And if your mummy and daddy vote for him, he'll kill your cat, your dog, your goldfish and your hamster, because he can't stop himself.

"Tell your mummy and daddy to vote Labour or you will scream and cry for weeks and weeks and weeks. Yours faithfully, Tony Blair, Prime Minister."

A Labour spokesman justified the hellish campaign message adding: "Little children need to understand that they will face years of heartbreak and trauma unless the Labour Party is dominating every aspect of their lives."