It’s The System That’s A Piece-Of-Shit, Thieving Bastard, Say MPs

THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night.

Hazel Blears has caused more violent retching than the winter vomitting bug

Members from all parties said the rules were a grubby, disgusting little scat-muncher and pledged a wide-ranging inquiry into how the system was somehow able to vote itself into existence in the first place.

As Labour proposed an independent audit committee in its latest deliberate attempt to miss the fucking point, MPs spoke openly about how they had been abused repeatedly by the expenses system.

Barbara Follet, the millionaire Labour MP married to a millionaire author, said it was ‘outrageous’ that she had been forced to defend her millionaire decision to buy three pairs of matching trainers for her pet fly.

Follett added: “He is a size six, he just happens to have very big feet for his age. And anyway, it’s the system that’s a repulsive, grasping turd on legs, not me.”

But members of the public were quick to dismiss claims about the system as ‘mind-buggeringly insulting horseshit’ as it emerged that every MP is to get a £25,000 a year security allowance in a desperate bid to stop you kicking their teeth in.

Emma Bradford, from Harrow, said: “I’d like to designate him as as my ‘second MP’, just for a couple of weeks, so that I can claim twelve grand to have him refurbished and then sell him to some really nasty Russian pimps.”

Roy Hobbs, from Oldham, said: “I’d like to buy one of those four-slot Dualit toasters from John Lewis and spank him across the face with it so hard that I break both my wrists.”