Monday, 10th May 2021

Johnson 'was recording rap album'

BORIS Johnson only shouted ‘no more f**king lockdowns, let the bodies pile high in their thousands’ because he was recording a hip-hop album, it has emerged. 

Michael Gove, who is producing the project by providing a selection of his choicest beats, said that it was meant to be a surprise for Britain which the press had now ruined.

He continued: “Everyone’s had a creative lockdown project. Carrie’s was developing her new career as an interior designer, Boris’s was to become the rap MC he always knew he could be.

“He was laying down some really raw shit over pounding bass when he shouted those words, which were simply the braggadocio of the urban poet and not in any way policy.

“Unfortunately he was wearing headphones so, without the thunderous beats, it may have been misconstrued. If the snitches had heard him continue ‘popping caps in all y’all assclowns, take out my strap to lay those bustas down’ they wouldn’t have had to run to Peston.

“It’s a 22-song project with a early 90s Lench Mob feel and guest appearances from Foxy Brown, Daz Dillinger, Q-Tip and a blistering verse from Jacob Rees-Mogg. Out in summer.”

Gove added: “The fact that the bodies have piled high in their thousands as a result of the prime minister’s decisions is mere coincidence. You can’t damn a man for a coincidence.”