Liam Fox signs trade deals with imaginary countries

TRADE secretary Liam Fox has signed trade deals worth more than £4.8 billion with countries which do not exist, he has triumphantly announced. 

Fox spotted a loophole in EU rules allowing Britain unrestricted licence to trade with fictional countries and has already set up lucrative deals with Ruritania, Freedonia, Zembla and the oil-rich Middle Eastern nation of Qurac. 

He said: “The EU might have free trade agreements with South Korea and Mexico, but who’s just got British manufacturers access to all of Wakanda’s Vibranium reserves? This guy. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. After Brexit we become an imaginary country of marvellous dreams anyway, and this way we’ll already have commercial links with all the others. 

“Why bother with stupid old Europe when we can be sending proud British miners to the subterranean cites of Pellucidar, based inside our obviously hollow Earth? Mineral rights already secured.” 

Fox added: “Turkish Delight, anyone? I’ve made an absolutely fantastic deal with the ruling monarch of a wonderful, resource-rich country that’s only a wardrobe away.” 

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Man discovers six-foot long fatberg in bathroom mirror

A MAN has discovered a six-foot long fatberg staring back at him in the mirror.

Martin Bishop, 36, came across the the 1.8m long mass of fat, oil, Deliveroos and Mars Bars around 7.45 this morning.

He said: “I came out of the shower put a towel around my waist and there it was right there in the mirror. I swear it wasn’t there before, it just came from nowhere.”

However, unlike other fatbergs, which are caused by the inappropriate disposal of insoluble items down sewage pipes, this one has been caused by Bishop being a lazy fucker who eats  like a human waste disposal unit.

Fatberg expert Tom Booker said “I’ve seen fatbergs of this size before, but not one that could also take part in a pub quiz.”