Prince Philip gives up fighter pilot's licence

PRINCE Philip has given up his fighter pilot’s licence at the relatively young age of 97.

The decision follows public outcry after Philip crashed his Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor jet into a pub car park while not wearing a seatbelt.

A Buckingham Palace source said: “He did love flying about in that thing. And being, ‘old school,’ he didn’t like being told how to fly about in it either.

“Obviously, ‘old school’ means ‘mad and arrogant with zero accountability’, but the plane’s missiles had been deactivated apart from the small ones that will only blow up a cow.”

Local landlady, Emma Bradford added: “It’s sad. He was just of that age where he liked to park up his F-22 outside, have a couple of pints in the afternoon and then fly off around tea time.”

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Local twats pissed off with other local twats

A GROUP of local twats is pissed off with a different group of twats, it has been confirmed.

Twats that live in some expensive houses near a pub are annoyed with the twats that drink there and make a lot of noise when leaving.

Twat Norman Steele said: “It is ridiculous that these people can’t just enjoy themselves in absolute silence. Why does their revelry have to be so conspicuous?

“I pay a fortune to live next to a nice pub and I don’t want to have to hear people having a good time.”

Opposing twat Tom Logan said: “Don’t live next to a pub if you don’t want noise, that’s what I say all the time.

” If me and my friends want to drink six pints of Carling, loudly start talking about how 90s cartoons were amazing and then sing Ocean Colour Scene’s The Day We Caught The Train at 1am, why shouldn’t we?”

The two groups are now seeking arbitration by a third group of twats who work for the local council.