Lib Dems refuse to rule out coalition with absolutely anyone

THE Lib Dems are refusing to rule out a coalition with any British political party that will have them, they have confirmed. 

Tim Farron has said his MPs will be open to working with Labour, the SNP, Plaid Cymru, the Conservatives, UKIP, the Democratic Unionists, Sinn Fein, the Greens, the Natural Law Party or Cornish nationalists Mebyon Kernow.

He continued: “I hope I’ve not left anyone out.

“Whoever you are, whatever your political persuasions, if you’re willing to work with the Liberal Democrats then the Liberal Democrats are willing to work with you.

“Perhaps we’ll be a restraining influence on your right-wing dictatorship, or a voice of moderating reason on your socialist paradise. Perhaps we’ll just be there, keeping you company.

“Please. Let me be the ventriloquist’s dummy I so clearly resemble. Just let us in.”

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Young voters urged to make inane, idiotic voices heard

VOTERS aged 18 to 24 have been told to make sure to cast their moronic, misguided votes in the general election.

Political commentators are to spend the next month telling young people that if they do not vote then everything that goes wrong in the next five years is all their fault.

Analyst Julian Cook said: “I strongly encourage young people to get to the polling stations on June 9th, mainly based on a groundless hope that they can’t be as deluded as their parents and grandparents.

“First-time voters need to learn that by randomly ticking a box on a ballot paper they can genuinely influence the course of their country, however naive and incoherent their views.

“To the stoned students giggling at Family Guy, to the gamers screaming Nazi slogans at Call of Duty, to the Tumblr teens who believe they are reincarnations of Pokemon, I say get out there and vote.”

19-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “You do realise that the major parties don’t have a solitary policy aimed at young people, don’t you? That they shaft us to pander to the old?

“Of course not. You’re too busy shouting.”