Lib Dems regain position as Britain’s last, desperate choice

THE Liberal Democrats’ second place in the Witney by-election has confirmed them as the party Britain turns to when all hope is lost. 

The party increased their share of the vote from seven per cent to 30 per cent as the electorate once again found themselves trapped with nowhere else to go.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron said: “As the 2010 election showed, when the British people find themselves in total despair with all other options exhausted, they’ll take a punt on the Liberal Democrats.

“And if Britain continues to metaphorically set fire to its own house without any plan for escape, I think we can see increasing support from voters taking a reckless leap into the unknown.

“Hopefully we can get big enough to bugger up another general election. That’s the dream.”

Voter Francesca Johnson said: “I stood in the polling booth for about ten minutes, wracked with indecision between the hard-right party wrecking our economy or the hard-left party who want to.

“Then I thought fuck it, I’ll vote Lib Dem. I’ve got nothing left to lose.”

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Theresa May loses Britain in late-night poker game

THE prime minister has lost British sovereignty to Germany in a game of poker at the European summit in Brussels. 

Theresa May was invited into the 2am game on the pretext that it would be “good practice” for upcoming Brexit negotiations, and despite inexperience enjoyed an initial run of luck.

An onlooker said: “They played for matches at first, to teach her the rules, but Theresa was doing so well that Charles Michel of Belgium suggested they ‘make it interesting’.

“She won Luxembourg with a queen-jack bluff and managed to build up a little pot of Baltic states, but when she tried to leave the table Hollande said it was only polite to give everyone a chance to win it back.

“Within two hands she’d lost Scotland to an inside straight, went white as a sheet saying Nicola would kill her, then compounded the mistake by going all in when Merkel had a flush.

“Britain is run from Germany now, Brexit isn’t happening, and its people are slaves cruelly forced to develop a stable manufacturing base and invest in renewable energy.”

May said: “I have learned that keeping your hand secret is not the only thing it takes to win at poker. You also need to know how the game works and how strong the other players’ hands are.

“Unfortunately I have learned this just slightly too late.”