Life to be slightly easier for people who are absolutely fine

GEORGE Osborne will next week make life at least 10 per cent better for people who have nothing to worry about.

In a daring political move, the chancellor will reach out to hard-pressed middle-income Britons by showing them the sort of treatment they could expect if only they made more money.

A senior Tory source said: “We’ve done the electoral maths and we reckon middle class people want to be ignored almost as much as they want rich people to have more things.

“Focus groups up and down the country are telling us to cut child benefit for people on middle incomes so that those on more than £150,000 a year can continue to donate money to the Conservative Party. It is almost breath taking in its simplicity.

“And I don’t care how many PhDs in arithmetic you have – a tax that only raises a few hundred million pounds a year is not better than nothing. A child can see that. Even a British one.”

The source added: “I don’t want to talk in terms of landslides, but I think we will be in government for a very long time.”

Meanwhile border control staff said the tax cut would mean they would no longer have to work 20 hour shifts processing the constant stream of high earners pouring out of Britain every second.

Bill McKay, who works at Heathrow, said: “There are huge queues of them all carrying their pathetic little bundles of really expensive stuff and trying desperately to bribe the business class flight attendants to get their children some gluten-free polenta.”



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European football takes plastic cover off sofa

THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.

The remaining clubs in the Europa League will also be able to unlock their drinks cabinets and put out their nice things without fear of them being stolen.

A spokesman for Athletic Bilbao said: “A couple of years ago we noticed this large, yellowy-brown stain on the corner unit. Eventually we had to just throw the bloody thing out. Two grand it was. Fuck that.

“So we bought a new one but then we thought ‘we’re not having a repeat of The Stain’ so we got one of those plastic covers. It works really well, but when you spend that kind of money on furniture you want to be able to show it off.

“Now they’ve finally gone it’s great that we can have all our nice things out without worrying about them being covered in piss and puke.”

Meanwhile, restaurants across the continent face the challenge of shifting the mountain of chips and gravy that had been set aside for travelling Mancunians.

The eateries must dispose of the potato-related foodstuff safely as it is classified as toxic waste under EU laws and be carefully dismantled by specially trained staff in Hazmat suits.
Ivan Shevchenko, from Kharkiv, said: “Animal rights groups protest if you try and feed it to cattle, not least because it makes the beef taste very weird.

“My regulars won’t touch the stuff and they happily eat compost heaps doused in vodka.”