Lying to opinion polls is great fun, say voters

BRITAIN’S voters have revealed that lying about who they will vote for is hugely enjoyable.

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said she had not so much fun since pretending to be an enthusiastic supporter of proportional representation back in 2011.

“The look on Nick Clegg’s face after that one kept me going for months.”

She added: “We’ve got an EU referendum in 2017 so there’s going to be some really top-notch dishonesty. I do love wasting Lord Ashcroft’s money. It’s exquisite.

“But if the pollsters will insist on phoning me when I’m having my tea then I am going to mess with their shit.”


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Scotland becomes even more weird

SCOTLAND has somehow managed to become even more unusual.

Experts said the country has now added ‘one party state’ to its already quite long list of extremely odd things.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s always been eccentric and quirky while only occasionally veering towards the deeply unsettling or downright terrifying.

“There’s the food, the musical instruments, the inexplicable intensity when it comes football matches against England and the unusual cows.

“If Scotland was a person it would carry a plastic shopping bag full of old magazines and ask strangers incredibly personal questions while waiting for the bus.

“But there’s a kind of North Korean weirdness about it now.”

He added: “Hopefully those who insisted Scotland was somehow British and could be ‘understood’ will now admit they were incredibly wrong.

“It’s foreign and weird and utterly fascinating. They may as well be from space.”