Miliband hit on head by falling Russian spacecraft

ED Miliband is in hospital after being struck on the head by a three-tonne Russian spacecraft which fell out of orbit.

The Labour leader was knocked unconscious by Progress, a cargo spacecraft, while giving his acceptance speech in Doncaster.

Eyewitness Nathan Muir said: “He was just acknowledging Labour’s heavy losses when this terrible screaming sound began, which at first we all thought was just another unusual aspect of Ed’s inflection.

“Then a flaming spaceship crashed through the roof and knocked him flying like a rag doll, eventually landing in a bin full of spoiled ballots.

“Luckily nobody else was hurt because anyone even tangentially involved with the Labour party had already deserted and set up new identities.”

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Britain in uncontrollable schadenfreude orgy

ED Balls, George Galloway, UKIP and Vince Cable have left Britain drained after an orgy of schadenfreude.

As the UKIP challenge fell flat and three of the country’s most unbearable MPs were shown the door, the nation said that if Nigel Farage loses it might just faint.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I had a list. Check. Check. Check. And check.

“Excuse me while I burst.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, added: “I think Galloway is the best one. And the fucker might get nicked. I’m so happy I’m starting to feel a bit guilty about it.

“Not really.”