Man You've Never Heard Of Is Now Thing You Don't Care About

BRITISH politics was in turmoil last night after a man you have never heard of was elected to do something you couldn't care less about.

John Bercow, a small grey haired man from somewhere in England, was chosen by some other grey haired men of varying sizes to be the one who tells them when they are supposed to say things and when they are supposed to be quiet.

As the new Speaker of the Place that Bores You Shitless, one of Mr Bercow's first tasks will be to make it sound as if he is reforming it without actually doing anything of the sort.

He has already outlined plans to give MPs fewer holidays but more days off and wants the chairmen of select committees to be chosen based on their ability to walk in high heels across a desk while carrying a medicine ball.

But the new Speaker's biggest challenge will be to devise fresh and exciting ways to slip MPs £24,000 a year to spend on vibrating furniture and medieval landscape gardening.

In time-honoured tradition Mr Bercow had to be dragged to the Speaker's chair and its burdensome £144,000 a year salary, chauffeur driven car and free house.

He is also believed to be the shortest Speaker of the Commons since that dumpy woman who used to be a stripper and looked like Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served?.

Experts said the biggest mistake the MPs had made was electing a Speaker who was also a member of parliament.

Bill McKay, of Reading University, said: "I was hoping they would go for something radical but effective like Basil Brush, or a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. Or then again, perhaps they should just have gone for a novelty candidate like Anne Widdecombe."

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Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Hull City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.

The England striker is set to leave Newcastle after the club decided its Premiership fight back stood a greater chance of success with younger, more promising players battling for a place on the treatment table.

Hull coach Phil Brown said: "He's got a great footballing brain, a lovely right foot and has massive heart. All great assets in the bodies of players who aren't made of dry twigs."

Brown said his bid for Owen was prompted after receiving a DVD advertising the sometimes-striker, adding: "It was a showreel of goals mixed with Michael clutching his thigh in agony, although I did notice none of the footage was dated after 2001."

Owen's parts have been earmarked, with Nick Barmby set for a major overhaul. Brown said: "Nick's been in decline for years but he'll be back to his best after we've fitted him Michael Owen's hips and eyelids."

He added: "I just hope Parcelforce don't jiggle him about too much in transit.  I don't want any toes falling off leading to a big argument with Newcastle about whether the toes had already fallen off before they posted him."

On completion of the limb and organ harvesting, Owen will be refitted with reconditioned player parts from the Hull squad. A club spokesman said he would eventually look like a 'clean-cut, twinkle-eyed bag of offal'.

Meanwhile Owen's hamstrings will be sold to British Nuclear Fuels who have been searching desperately for a substance with a shorter half-life than enriched Uranium.