May hoping to get better Brexit deal in January sales

THERESA May believes she can get a more economical Brexit deal in the January sales, it has emerged.

With a vital commons vote set for January 14, the prime minister is confident of ‘nabbing’ a discounted Brexit deal if she gets up early to beat the Boxing Day crowds.

She said: “As it stands the so-called Brexit divorce is about £39 billion.

“But in the sales you’ve got to expect that to go down to at least £38 billion. Maybe even £37 billion if we get it online and choose the free shipping option, although I don’t know if I can put that much on my debit card.

“Plus you’ve got to imagine the customs union will be having some sort of sale. Maybe 10 per cent off all tariffs or something.”

She added: “I don’t know who I am any more.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to cope when you're five days deep into a festive hangover

HAVE you been to some sort of Christmas ‘do’ five nights in a row and forgotten what it feels like to not be hungover? Here’s how to deal with it.

Drink more
The mere thought of alcohol might make you want to weep, but you have at least seventeen more Christmas things to go to and you definitely won’t enjoy them sober.

Have a big self-indulgent moan
Obviously whining because you chose to drink three bottles of wine and fall asleep in a kebab shop is annoying, but you can get away with it because everyone else is doing it too.

Carry a tub of Celebrations everywhere as an emotional crutch
Any notion of looking after your diet will have long since been abandoned so stuffing your face with chocolate can only help. Plus you can vomit in the tub if necessary.

Remind yourself that everything ends eventually
Even if you feel like the only way to escape the endless festive hangover is through the sweet release of death, try not to despair as Christmas will eventually end and your liver will start functioning again.

Move to Bhutan
Some countries do not celebrate Christmas and therefore do not force their citizens to have a massive, expensive bender every year. Start planning your move now for 2019.